My Husband Alfred's Story

My husband Alfred passed away on June 28th, and I have been deeply saddened, unable to stop crying for many days.

I am grateful to my stepson Wil for arranging a celebration of life ceremony and allowing everyone enough time to remember Alfred. It took me three afternoons and three evenings to write this piece. Now, I finally find solace with my grief and our connection.

Over the past five years, our marriage went through difficult times. His weight kept decreasing, his temper worsened, and he became increasingly moody. We had more and more arguments. He didn't respond to my conversations and spent most of his time lying on the recliner. The family doctor referred him for "senior dementia testing," and I accompanied him for a hearing test at a hearing center. However, the reports showed everything was fine, and there were no major issues in his annual check-ups. I used to call him "big baby" because he always needed my care. But with the good test results, I lost patience with his bad temper. I spent more time alone, enjoying nature, going out with friends, and spending time with grandchildren. Now I know his bad temper and laziness were caused by his illness, but none of us knew. This made me feel extremely guilty after he was diagnosed with severe cancer. In fact, during the last three months of his life, he showed a lot of care towards me. We returned to the deep love we shared. We were able to have calm, equal conversations, envisioning life after his discharge while he was still able to speak. We discussed arrangements for the future and reminisced about the past.

We have indeed had many wonderful moments. We met as friends in late 2003 and got married in December 2004 in British Columbia. It has been nearly 19 years since then. Alfred's friends say I was lucky to have found him, but my friends also say I was lucky to have him. Because of him, I started living in the most beautiful city in the world, Vancouver. Alfred knew my love for Canada, perhaps even more than him.

One of Alfred's passions after we got married was philanthropy. At first, I didn't understand why he wanted to donate to various charitable organizations. Whenever I handed him donation letters, I would jokingly say, "Please donate for me, I'm too poor." He would search his pockets and wallet and give me all the coins. I would express great surprise, saying, "Wow, even gold coins! I'm getting rich!" and that would make him laugh. The same conversation continued for over a decade.

Alfred was responsible for all our living expenses and enriched my interests in my later years. Before him, my only hobby was work. As a single mother, I was consumed by work and dreaded weekends and holidays. Then Alfred appeared, and after we started living together, he changed my unhealthy lifestyle.

He introduced me to classical music and bel canto singing. I had a karaoke system at home in Shanghai, and the songs I was most familiar with were revolutionary songs from China. One day, I proudly sang karaoke for him. Surprisingly, he didn't applaud. He said to me, "Listen, singing should be like this!" (How?) "O Sole Mio" (later I found out that was the only line he knew). But I admit, that singing technique sounded really good. The following year, I joined the Bonsa Singalong class.

We often went to the Orpheum Theatre to listen to the Vancouver Symphony Orchestra play symphonies. Charitable Alfred, while being frugal for himself and our family, cared about discounts. Fifteen years ago, senior tickets at VAM cost $5, and adult tickets were $10. Now, seniors and children pay $11. After a few years, I was able to appreciate the symphonies together with him, and now I can say I enjoy classical music.

Alfred changed my dance preference from ballroom to hula. After we got married, he earnestly said to me, "I know you used to dance ballroom in Shanghai. But now that you have a husband, your hands should not be touched by any other man!" One day, my Taiwanese friend Lisa and I secretly attended a Bonsa community dance party, and I received a lot of attention that afternoon. When I returned home, I couldn't hide my excitement and smile. Alfred asked me, "What happened to you?" I said, "Oh, I was so popular at the dance!" He didn't say anything. The next week, Alfred drove me to the Renfrew Community Center and registered me for the senior hula dance class. He said hula was elegant, with gentle movements, and good for physical health. I am still attending hula dance classes until now, and I really enjoy the hula dance.

Furthermore, it was Alfred who taught me how to appreciate and even paint. He even encouraged me to paint. I remember we visited a Russian painting exhibition in Shanghai, which was my first time attending an art exhibition. He spent a long time looking at one painting, then another. I immediately got bored and said to him, "Okay, you enjoy these paintings, I'll sit by the exit and wait for you." Later, we often laughed out loud about that conversation.

When I studied at Vancouver Adult Education, I chose art classes because I wanted to understand the art that Alfred liked. The Vancouver School Board organized a study tour to Paris, and spouses could join. That was in 2008, and for this trip to Paris, the school also organized French language classes. We took TransLink together to attend French classes in Vancouver's West End. French was difficult, and I quickly gave up, but Alfred completed the French course.

In Paris, we visited various museums and art galleries, and we even did some sketching on the streets or in parks. Alfred's paintings received high praise from the locals and our teachers. It was truly a wonderful time!

When we returned to Vancouver, the art teacher invited Alfred to join our art class for free. We had three classes each week: sketching in the park, painting at school, and visiting art galleries on Granville Street. I always stayed by his side, and he would tell me his feelings about each painting, explain how he understood the artist's creative ideas, and teach me how to appreciate artwork.

After I graduated from high school, we joined the Killarney Community Art Club. We would go there every Friday to paint and chat with people. I was worried that my paintings didn't have shadows. Alfred said, "It's okay because your heart doesn't have shadows." Although I eventually gave up painting and only colored greeting cards, I have a membership card for the Vancouver Art Gallery because I have learned to appreciate artworks to some extent.

Alfred was also my math teacher. When I was studying Grade 11 math at adult school, I couldn't understand why A squared plus B squared equals C squared. He spent an hour and several sheets of proof paper to make me believe that A squared plus B squared equals C squared. The next year, I got an A in Grade 12 math.

We have had so many wonderful moments. We traveled abroad every year, and it would take a long time to talk about all our trips to 15 countries around the world, but I'll skip that for now.

However, our religious beliefs were different. When Alfred proposed to me, I initially turned him down because I am a Christian. Then he said, "One day you can make me a Christian, and God will be pleased." I thought about it and agreed to his proposal. After we got married, Alfred drove me to different churches, accompanied me to worship, and hoped that I would find a church that suited me. I went to the Presbyterian Church at 45 East Broadway. Before COVID, he would drive us almost every Sunday, and he would also drive me for the Wednesday ladies' Bible study. Together with our church friends, we went to the Orpheum Theatre to watch Handel's "Messiah." In fact, my church friends, especially the elderly, knew him and liked him. They told me, "Your husband is a very good person, let us continue praying for him."

I don't know what Alfred thought during his last two months in bed, what happened, but I know that only the Almighty God can change him. Two days before his passing, Alfred decided to become a Christian, and I am very happy about that. We will meet again. After his passing, Alfred was baptized at Vancouver Christian Church on July 9th. The church members prayed for him and for me, providing me with immense comfort.When we meet again, I believe we will both become better people, and we will learn how to love each other. Because we are both Christians, we have God's blessings. The Bible describes "love" like this (whenever I argued with him due to jealousy, Alfred would recite it):

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

Let us pray: Our Heavenly Father, I thank you so much for my beloved husband Alfred being with you. He is not in the flesh; he is with the Lord. He walks peacefully on the streets of heaven. Almighty God, please comfort my heart as I still feel deeply saddened by his absence. In Jesus' name, I pray.